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If you’re a parent, you’ll have experienced a nonexistent alone time. Nada. Zero. Gone.
I love my daughter more than Melbourne’s best coffee, but I’ve been craving solitude so much. Just 60 minutes of alone time where no one is crying nor screaming.
I miss me.
Not in a dramatic “I’ve lost myself” kinda way, but you know..
I miss writing just to hear my thoughts out loud.
I miss designing things on Solidworks.
I miss gaming with my best friends. Reading in silence. Thinking clearly.
Is craving alone time selfish?
Well! Science says it’s necessary, as long as you choose it. Let’s take a closer look.
A recent study published in Scientific Reports by Weinstein et al. looked at the emotional ups and downs of being alone. The researchers tracked 178 adults over 21 days, and each person logged how much time they spent alone vs. socialising, and whether their solitude was self-chosen.
These are the key findings:
Solitude can lower stress if you choose it. On days people had more autonomous solitude (meaning they wanted to be alone), they experienced lower stress, higher autonomy, more peace and mental clarity. The authors referred to this as the “deactivation effect”. Your brain finally chills, stops performing, and returns to baseline.
Solitude is not one-size-fits-all. There’s no perfect number of hours to be alone. When solitude was forced because someone felt isolated, left out, or socially drained, being alone had negative effects.
Over time, solitude benefits compound. People who consistently had small, intentional doses of alone time across the 21 days experienced long-term benefits in the form of lower stress, higher daily well-being, and stronger sense of self!
The study also referenced another concept called, “aloneliness.” It’s the opposite of loneliness; the distress of not having enough time to yourself.
Scatterplots of fve well-being outcomes on proportional time spent in solitude. (A) Scatterplots for three random participants. (B) Scatterplots of all data. Lines are nonparametric exploratory LOESS fts. Directly referenced from Weinstein, N., Vuorre, M., Adams, M. et al. Balance between solitude and socializing: everyday solitude time both benefits and harms well-being. Sci Rep 13, 21160 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-44507-7
We tend to think of alone time as a treat, especially if you are a busy working individual chasing that hustle culture and bustle. But it’s not. Turns out being alone is part of being a full functioning human being. It’s necessary.
So whether you’re a parent or someone who just needs a break from the group chat, take that alone time. Protect it. Don’t feel guilty for needing it.
Even 15 minutes of being with yourself can bring you back to life in quiet and powerful ways.
We don’t always need to do more. Sometimes, we just need to be.
Talk soon,
Krish
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